I thought I wanted more roomfreedomprivacyspace. I thought. But if that's true then why was it oh so hard to watch him go? And now, he is back. But...my boy is gone. He is a man. My son left a boy and came back a man. I was shocked and honestly didn't know how to deal with my feelings. I couldn't stop looking at him.
My oldest son had picked him up at the airport and brought him to our family Easter gathering. Those two had figured it out amongst themselves. And that's the other thing. They used to need me. I liked that, but at the same time I wanted them to be independent. Now they are. Right before my eyes, self~reliant, sovereign . And I am happy but sad, is there a word for this? I just keep staring at them. At him. My middle son, now a man.
And I think I fell in love with him all over again. Like when I saw him for the first time. Here he was brand new to me. Again. All grown up. I can't stop staring at him. This beautiful new man.
I think I've said this before...I am so not cut out for this. But oh, I am so lucky. My god.
..."and when I grow up, I'll go here and here" ...xxx lori
Your pride in their independence and manhood will overshadow your nesting instincts after a while. It happens slowly, though. You will fee torn for a while.
ReplyDeleteTo grow up we must leave the nest and fly solo. They need to know you trust them to do that.
Lori,
ReplyDeleteyou are such a wonderful mother. Such a great being. And human too! those feelings I cannot relate to yet, but I know they will be with me too when my son will grow into a man overnight.
You're doing a great job, just look how those little birds used to be like mommy, poring over maps and dreaming of fantastical travels! They are a part of you, yet individuals, splendid ones.
You have a beautiful life and what sounds like a perfect family. Well done. I'm proud of you.
Oh hon, it's so hard this growing up stuff and not being needed. I'm so glad you feel as you do about your middle son's change to a man.
ReplyDeleteIt is such hard work letting go, but as we both know totally neccessary for our children.
Much love from one mum going through this to another.
xx
You have all made me cry. I am so grateful for these words Rosaria,Lola, Mandy. I don't know where else I could find such comfort and understanding, this means everything to me.
ReplyDeleteThank you so much.
love to you all.
Smmmmmoooooooooccchhhhh! I keep looking at my big son too! Now that he has gone from little boy to teenager.I can't quite believe the size of him, or the intelligence and maturity for one so young (almost 14). I cannot imagine how it would feel when they leave for good. Love to you, Lori.xx♥
ReplyDeleteI know how you feel somewhat. I left my home, husband and my 12th grade daughter stayed there. I see her and think how beautiful she is, knowing that she is now 18 and ready to go off to college without me. Letting go is hard to do. God bless.
ReplyDeleteI should save all of these posts and go over them again when my kids start leaving the nest. What a great write up :)
ReplyDeleteI can't relate just yet but I can't wait till I do. :) I can only imagine how sweet motherhood must taste!
ReplyDeleteI love the way that you share your motherhood experiences Lori. You really do have a gift.
ReplyDeleteMy beautiful son is only 5 years old and I was 42 when he was born, but I don't think being an older Mum makes the emotional journey any different.
I'm sure you do all the right things in there company and I think that it's okay for them to know that you miss them and love them. Doesn't mean you don't want them to be happy in their own skin.
You're a bit of a star.
Keep having fun with all the love in your life.
best wishes Ribbon :-)
I knew it!Mother-hood isn't easy!
ReplyDeleteYou really made me feel your heart ache.
Letting go is the most hardest things to do.Your son is really lucky to have such a loving,understanding mother.I think his independence comes from the knowledge that you are always standing behind him in shadows to catch him if he falls.
You are a wonderful mother and a wonderful person
take care
chaitra
ah lori heart achingly poignant...and THANKS for pointing out what's coming my way...i am still at the bottom pic stage, yearning for myformyfreedomprivatespace...and still going cluck cluck and i just KNOW i'll be feeling exactly like beautiful You. god. xxx j Word veri problet!? we have a little problet
ReplyDeleteI love all the pictures on your blog. they're all great. you choose great pics to fits the words :--D
ReplyDeleteI totally understand what you are feeling, even though I don't have kids...
ReplyDeleteLETTING GO is one of the the hardest thing for us humans in my opinion... But the more you will be able to let your kids go off, the more they will feel back to you and love you for it, the more they will enjoy "coming home" to visit their mother every time!
:))
Dear sweet Lori, I know every single feeling of yours, though I only have two babies, now grown. But what I can tell you is, their love and nearness to you will never end. I will always remember what my first daughter said to me when she was five and I hugged her and said, "I will always and always love you, my sweetheart!" Her answer was, "And I will love you even alwayser!" And that is (maybe, though how possible?) true! Your deep connection will remain, and neither time nor distance nor (one future day) death will alter that. This goes for your sweet, beautiful mom, too.
ReplyDeleteI am hugging you, Bonnie Lori!
My little girl is still 5 but I already catch myself staring at her, millions of times because she is not a baby anymore and when she stopped using diapers I almost cried! not to be needed must be sad but it means you made a good job , too. You are an excellent mother and you must be proud of all your achievements with your children. Thank you for your beautiful words.And no, I don´t know how to express this feeling of being sad and being happy at the same time, it´s a mother´s feeling that no man had the chance to feel and put in a simple word...
ReplyDeleteWhat a wonderful post. And how wonderful to be able to see your children grow up like that - with a pang and yet such obvious love and pride in your heard.
ReplyDeletexx
Wow, you put, so beautifully, exactly how I feel when I look at my girls. All grown up. But I can still see something of my baby in their faces. You are proud, a little sad, amazed, all at the same time.
ReplyDeleteThanks so much for this. I didn't have kids, so all the stages of mothering are kind of conceptual for me.
ReplyDeleteWhen my nephew went to college my sister said, "It's like this: it's normal for him to leave home now, it's a good thing. I'm glad and in many ways relieved that he's heading out into the world. But! I've lived with him for 18 years."
Wow. yeah.
Well done you! xxoo
I don't think we're ever "cut out" to watch our children go. We just adjust. I'm in a constant tug watching my oldest grow up - sad and proud in the same moment.
ReplyDeleteOh Natsy, as you already know, the time can fly. We just have to be grateful for every bit heh? give those 2 little doodles a hug from me ok?and the big ones too!
ReplyDeletexoxoxoxo♥
Jaykbee, thank you for your kind words, there is really no way to prepare for this is there? we do the best we can. Yes, God Bless
Bhavana, the time will be here before you know it...you can call me! I will be an expert emptynester by then!
Bodaat, hurry up ok? How many days till the wedding?
Dear Ribbon,
thank you. Of course you are right, age doesn't affect the journey one bit. Well, maybe only in the fact that you may be more able to appreciate it more? getting more focused in your life. Oh, sometimes I wish my own were 5 again! enjoy every minute of your precious boy.♥
Thank you dear Chaitra, your right, it isn't easy but still, worth every single bit. I know when you are a mother, you will be the same way. You have SO MUCH to look forward to!
ha problet! Sorry Janelle, i know you know, this is inevitable. These kids, they have our hearts and where ever they go, our hearts go too. We are doomed for life!♥♥♥
Enep, thank you for the kind words! I'm really glad you like my photos.
That is it exactly Michi! you are so wise, I really thank you for those words. I am so glad to have found you, I love your blog so much.And I hope you'll go see all my friends, they are the best. ♥
Geli, you always know the trust i have in you and your advice. Thank you so much for being such a help through this, it's so funny, i never thought I'd be writing about such things...mail is on the way, hi Mr.Fish!
xoxo♥♥
Mina, yes, that's it! it starts at the very beginning doesn't it? the cord is cut and the separation continues, weaning, school, and on and on. I thank you so much for all the kindness you always show me, you are a sweetheart. Hug your tiny girl for me ok? and oh I am so envious of your sewing room!!♥
Ah Nicky, thank you. Sometimes i feel like i'm outside looking in. I feel i can't take credit for anything at all. They are all so different than me...in ways.xo♥
Yes Love, that is it, all those things. and thank you for stopping by, i can only imagine how busy you are now you famous lady! I am so envious of your time spent on the Oregon coast. Gorgeous place! ♥
Reya, i felt more like that with my oldest son. Our children kind of show us the way we'll go. They are all so different. All of mine are. Nephews are great aren't they?♥
Hi Andrea, welcome to my blog. I think you are exactly right. It's never easy even when it's the "right" thing to do. From the moment we give birth, it begins, the separation. I know thats why i didn't want my last to be early. But it's all part of it.
Thank you my friends, I am so grateful for the words of support you've given me, i didn't realize how much I needed them.
Love, Lori
Oh Lori, I do so understand your mixture of wonderment and loss. My two girls are grown now - tall and graceful and glowing; at ease with themselves and at ease with the world in which they live now. I look at them as they walk in the door on their frequent visits home and I, like you, am momentarily speechless. Are these two smiling, luminous young women my babies? They fling their arms around me, hugging tight. I feel the length of them, smell their perfume...and then we push back from one another, still holding on and laugh at the sheer wonder of it all.
ReplyDeleteYes, your boy is a man now, but he will travel through life with you beside him - always and in all ways. Because you, Lori, gave him that life and in doing so, gave him the strength and the spirit to live it to the fullest. You are a shining star, girl!
Hi dear Lori Ann, your young children are all buttered and brown...what sweet children dreaming of days to come! We were like that too. We would play a game with the world globe...give it a good spin and point. Wherever the globe stopped...your finger pointed to the place you would go! Silly game?! I think it inspired me to go to places I couldn't even dream about. I traveled around the US when I was 17, Europe when I was 20 and in-between Mexico, Canada...now I'm here in Puerto Rico and I explore the neighboring Caribbean Islands whenever I get a chance. I like to learn about cultures, language and connect with people. I think you are the same way Lori Ann! So if your children have the traveling bug and it makes them grow up...it's just that you understand the process so well...you know a great change has happened because it has also happened to you...and continues to wake you up to new experiences of being Lori Ann.
ReplyDeleteOn the other hand, I'm waiting for my son to get a bit of independence and look forward to what lakeviewer writes-"pride in my son's manhood"!
Come over to Oasis Writing Link and collect an award. I appreciate you so much! xx <3
Wow Lori talk about a beautiful post.
ReplyDeleteThis was lovely.
I think the word you were looking for may be 'bittersweet.'
I feel it often myself.
You have done the job that we were given. You have let them grow up.
Love Renee xoxo