Monday, March 30, 2009

innocence

My youngest two, Jacob and Hannah. Now 20 and 18. They are good kids, they make their Mama proud. MOST of the time. Sometimes they give me big huge knots in my stomach and sometimes like this weekend they cause my heart to stop for a brief second. Or maybe it was longer, i can't remember cause the blood had left my head and I couldn't think.

This weekend was a big milestone for me. I was all alone. Husband on another trip again. That might not seem like such a big deal to some, but when you've had five babies and they grow up to have lots of friends and they all end up at your house, well, you can imagine! The oldest daughter is moved out now, eldest son in L.A. working on his first million(and having fun doing it), middle son in Bali, that leaves these two....

... the ones causing me heart failure...





While out to dinner with eldest daughter I stare dreamily off into space and say " I wonder how your sister is doing on her camping trip?"

Kim, never a waster of words, and hardly a keeper of secrets says:


"she's on a train to San Diego"


WHAT?? i am picturing my baby in the redwoods, in NORTHERN

California. Now i am hearing that this child may be hundreds of miles the opposite way?


It seems she wanted to go meet friends over Spring Break and thought I would say no. So she made up the Redwoods I ask? Hannah told Kim she would keep her informed. But Kim hadn't heard from her. So we both start texting and calling her and all her friends and friends parents. We found out some kids DID go to the Redwoods.

We compare notes, trying to think of clues as to her whereabouts. I tell Kim we are like
Mma Ramotswe and Mma Makutsi trying to solve a puzzle. I only say this because I feel like crying and don't know which direction to turn my thoughts, north or south? where is my daughter? Well, i do remember her googling train schedules and me forgetting to ask why. And she did take the hair dryer, but at the same time she asked stepPapa if she could take one of the sleeping bags... I don't like mysteries...



So, I waited to hear from her. I told myself not to worry, she is a smart girl and will make good decisions no matter where she is. And she is 18 now. So I got busy with enjoying my kid and husband free time.


I went on a trail run, and out to breakfast, went to 2 flea markets, one time with oldest daughter and one time with M.I.L., still no messages from my baby. Watched Born Free all by myself, which is good because I can cry all I want and no one can ask me "What's the matter?" But half way through it I wondered at my choice of movies...Mama lion and her cubs...


Next night, I get another visit from Kim again.


"Jacob spent the night in jail Mom"


WHAAAAT???


It seems there was a fight and my baby son was in the middle of it. He was already home and sleeping she said so don't call him. I look at her and say WHY did you wait to tell me??


Because there was nothing you could do.

And we didn't want to worry you.

I say, I am not cut out for this.

oh dear.



Morals of this story:

1. beware of oldest daughter bearing news.

2. copy lion behavior, in the beginning fiercely protect, in adolescence, let go.

3. consider changing cell phone service, Dear tmobile, i love my G-1, but you get less bars in more places.

4. reread The #1 ladies detective agency stories, I am a terrible detective.

5. next life come back as a grain of sand, and travel around landing on exotic beaches all over the world.
Oh, and Hannah did end up going camping,
innocent after all ;) but there is still her brother to deal with...
xxx love, lori


27 comments:

  1. Ooh WAH! I would have a pink fit!

    Poor mummy lion is going to have a cub sandwich when they get home!

    Adventures of life and learning are grey hair producing for sure.

    Lotsa love to you mama,
    Nataliexx♥

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  2. Yes taking the hairdryer on a camping trip was a clue...

    Probably all part of growing up, I am sure they will all be fine :-)

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  3. Mine are 25.5 and weeks away from 28. I still can't help myself. I am trying very hard to let go, nudge them out into the world without me hoovering beneath the nest to catch them. They have married and left but still.....Mom is a phone call away.

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  4. oh man, this parenting never gets easy does it? Well, all is well that ends well.

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  5. I feel for you with the youngest son spending a night in jail.
    When Al did it a couple of weeks ago I decided at least I knew where he was, so went back to sleep and slept well!
    xx

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  6. oh dear, LOL, i giggle NOW...but it will be me writing you in a few years with the same dramas and it will be you giggling at me!!!!
    What a weekend you had sister friend!!!
    If I lived closer I would have hung out with you and kept u laughing...oh and I am a GREAT dectective, really I am, my whole family were police officers!!!! I can find anyone and anything, call me next time.
    LOL

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  7. Ah, we can't control everything. I just feel for you and the punishment you are carefully selecting for such days. They'll thank you later, when they have teens.

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  8. Dear Mama Lori, I'm brewing a mug of rooibos tea. Sit, and tell me what happened exactly after the cubs came home. Bloodshed or, as Natalie wittily says, double decker cub sandwich?
    Does a mother EVER get a break, or will it be like this forever? I've just started venturing on this path and already I'm exhausted with worrying. It never stops, doesn't it?
    And the paradox is that these things happen only when you're alone and vulnerable! Hang in there, mamma. Remember, mothers are superheroes. Ciao wonderful woman.

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  9. Hahaha! Natalie, I know! and the funny part is these kids have no idea what they put us through! Now i need to go call my Mom and apologize...again!

    Those are comforting words Shepherd! your right of course, part of growing up! i'm still crossing my fingers though!

    Coco, that is the age of my oldest kids, so i do know exactly what you mean. It probably never ends.

    Bhavana,No Never. Ha! oh but its a beautiful thing isn't it? The Best.

    Mandy, Hahahaaa! you are so funny, you sound just like my sister, i do wish i wasn't such a worrier. I really will try to think that way next time...did i just say that? next time? oh dear

    Michelle, Ok, i will. Don't be surprised! oh these kids. such crazies! I had to laugh.

    Dear Rosaria, that is it exactly, yes, it is all about having no control, or giving up what little we had when they were small. Any advice is always appreciated!

    Lola dear, I am loving the tea, Rooibos is my favorite. No no, I'm so sorry, i don't mean to scare you, It's like weaning the babe, it's a process, we give them wings, but always stay under them if they should fall. Or when they do. But OH its worth it, being a Mama, as you know ♥

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  10. YIKES!!!
    My Baby (also 18) is spending Spring Break @ Fort Myers Beach in Florida. Her first trip without chaperones! Last night I got really nervous for some reason...
    I called her today & left a message, told her not to worry about calling me back, hope she is having fun, but to text me tonight. I am still waiting! Great girl, mostly responsible, but the Momma bells are going off.

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  11. Sorry can't help but smile... That's one hell of a weekend!

    I love the way you tell stories. It makes me feel like I'm there in the mix.

    I guess one of the reasons that I'm smiling is because it reminds me of what I put my own parents through in my youth.

    Best wishes Ribbon

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  12. I certainly know that feeling! Ghaaa

    I always called myself the Mother Tiger. Maybe it was because of all those Born Free books I read. But I believe it is a primal response when it comes to our children. We will protect at all costs - which is, of course, why they don't tell us stuff. Sometimes I don't WANT to know, now that they are 21 and 26!

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  13. Janis, i know exactly what you mean! when my oldest took her first trip away for spring break,it was Cancun. BIG mistake, that is not a safe place for kids! Your daughter sounds like a smart one, I'm sure she'll be fine. But we worry anyway♥

    You have to laugh Ribbon! I am too, if it's not one thing,it's always something else. I know i gave my parents the grey they have, no wait, it was my sister! haha!

    Dear LoL, that is just what I say, I dont want to know. Sometimes its just better that way.

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  14. Your post was my birth control for the month. Thank you! And ps - glad you're kids are ok.

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  15. When my oldest daughter was 18 (till about 24, haha), she always made my hair stand on edge! Such ideas!! She had to try out everything personally, never listened to advice or other people`s experience. And I always saw her kidnapped, or dead in a ditch, or getting involved with an awful man (you know those worries...)(especially at three a.m. when she said she`d be home by 11) - and NOW, at 36, she is a mother of 1 (almost two) babies herself, is happily and safely married, is a wise and thoughtful judge by profession (and a "mediator", an extra almost-not-necessary-for-her education).
    A young woman to be proud of. And it seemed that ALL of these experiences had been necessary for her.
    But oh, poor me! And poor you, my dearest Lori. But from all the comments you get, you see you are not alone!!

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  16. dear Lori - you need an African Safari!! and its coming soon now. Perhaps the worrying boot will be on the other foot then??
    enjoyed reading all the comments too :-)
    ......my poor parents!!!
    xxx

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  17. Why are the kids confiding in Kim and not you. Do they see you as being unable to cope with information. I would have a serious talk with the kids and tell them you have an all-seeing eye and you want to know first where they are and what they are doing. Kim is not there mom. I would definitely not be pleased if this happened to me. How can you help them when they get into trouble if you don't know where the hell they are! Believe me - my daughter (21) tried this once or twice and I caught her out. I told her I don't care where you go (within limits obviously) but dont tell me you're going here when you going there. Its not on.

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  18. wow, I have had to catchup on so many of your amazing posts! Lovely photos of the kids, and so sorry to hear of the grey hairs they are giving you! It must have been utterly weird to be all alone at home!

    I did enjoy the 29th birthday tribute, and the photos too. Beautiful girls all of you!

    As for the lighthouse/Hearst estate post - simply breathtaking as usual! We also so often feel that we are going "back to reality", but always grateful for our humble home, too, and our beautiful place we live in! xx

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  19. You are a wondeful mummy no matter what! In greek "παιδί" (pedi') means child. The word "παιδί" derives from the verb "παιδεύω" (pede'vo) which means sth among labour, torture and bother, mostly sweet of course.

    I am sorry for the delay, those thoughts with the golden eye was about a devouring kind of love. The title means get your eyes off of me and it refers to wild instincts, a lover-predator who suddenly becomes the victim of another lover who then leaves detached. Just symbolism!

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  20. Bodaat, you are welcome, and you are so funny! that is one way of looking at it!

    Yes Geli, you are right, it is a way to grow up and we all went through it one way or another with our own stories. I love to hear about how beautifully your 2 girls have blossomed.Your pride shines through, and in your case for sure the apple doesn't fall far from the tree ♥ They are very lucky ♥

    Ha! 41 more days Val, you know I'm counting and can hardly wait!!

    Momcat, thank you for your comment. I think you are right, I try to teach my kids, now that they are all adults, that it is a common courtsy to let know where you are, and less because I'm the Mom. I am happy and proud that my kids are each others best friends and they turn to each other often, not always including me. I have no control over that. But I hope to always be open to anything so they can come to me with anything, which is mostly always the case.

    Karen, ah thanks thanks and thanks! I guess i've been busy, always something going on here, the trip was fun heh? I enjoyed yours so much too.

    Maximus, thanks so much, I love that, I wish I could hear Greek spoken(in Greece!), one day...
    and I LOVE the symbolism of those eyes, thank you for explaining it. Hope your well now.

    Thank you everyone for your comments, they are all very much appreciated! ♥ lori

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  21. I can't imagine being a mother. How do you all do it? I am in awe, I really am.

    Sending soothing energy in your direction!

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  22. Argh...my mom always tells me that I will understand how she feels once I have kids...I'm glad to hear your kids are ok! "Letting go" sounds so easy but it can be one of the hardest things to do. I love your blogs, I can learn so much about Calif. AND being a mother!

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  23. Oh. My. God. Lori!!! how terribly worrying...jesus....hope all is ok now???? that's the thing with kids..it never ends..no matter how old they are, eh?? hope everything is ok??? XXXX j

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  24. Hey, you have a great blog here! I'm definitely going to bookmark you!
    ccent

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  25. Woohoo - scary moments, Lori! My heart did a big leap on your behalf.

    Oooh, I remember it well - and we were often thousands and thousand of miles apart, too. Yikes - those were scary times. Not so much the little one with the cheecky face. No, it was our eldest daughter - the one who looks like a veritable haloed Madonna - who was the wild child sometimes. Gave her father and I a real run for our money, I tell ya!

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  26. Oh Lori, It never ends..the worrying that is...now with sweet granchildren too.. I pray alot.

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  27. Dear Reya,thanks so much, sometimes I wonder. It's always a learning experiance, every step of the way. But worth every bit.

    Dear Tulsa, Oh, you have so much to look forward to!

    Ah Janelle, turns out its a blessing in disguise, at least re my son. Testosterone might be the death of me.

    Ccna,Thank you very much!

    Ha! its those angelic looking ones you really have to watch Tessa! Did yours settle down?

    Ziongirl, I agree,sometimes that is the best we can do, all we can do. Thank you.

    Thank you for your comments, I so appreciate them all.
    xoxo lori

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xoxo lori